I am absolutely and utterly brokenhearted. When I feel the endless amount of anxiety and swirl of darkness such as this, the only thing that seems to help is to write it out. So here I am.
Because it was exactly a year ago that I felt something so similar, a familiar sense of loss. But this time it's different - yet stems from the same source.
A year ago my marriage crumbled around me. It left pain and distrust in its wake, a path of destruction and hollowness and unfathomable loss. It isn't the person that I morn for, I deserve so much better. It's the idea, the future I had in my vision. It's the fact that I prayed so hard and I felt like God ignored my quite-literal cry for help.
See, here I am, a year later, selling my marital home. I had no issues or uncomfortable feelings staying in the home for the past year. In fact, I loved my home so much I bought it. It's been solely mine for the past 6 months. But it's a lot - for a single female as busy as I am, it's a lot and it deserves more TLC than I can currently provide.
But it's bittersweet. No longer will I watch the most beautiful sunrises or sunsets from the large windows. Maddie will no longer be able to run free in the large, fenced backyard. I won't be making coffee in the small galley kitchen I complained about ever since we bought the house in 2017 and I will never again sit on the large front porch, rocking back and forth in the sunshine. And I didn't realize it until the past couple of weeks but I will miss it terribly. Not only that, but when will this ever happen for me again?
You see, I never picture myself owning a home again solo. Unless by some turn of events I find myself far less busy (which is highly unlikely) I couldn't own a home without a partner. And with everything I have experienced in my life, I can't see myself making that commitment to a new partner. And that sucks. It sucks that people have broken my trust to that level. It sucks because I loved that idea and planning to build with someone in the future. And it sucks that I might be so crazy about someone but never truly be able to move forward with them in life. I think that's why it hurts so bad is when the realization of "this is it" hit me so hard this week. I will never experience these things again and I will never build my idea of an empire (let's be honest, it's a farm, my idea of an empire is a farm) with anyone. I will be what I thought I always wanted to be: A solo female living in a nice rented space writing on the daily. But the truth is, those dreams have changed. Sure, I want to write still. But I want to build something with someone instead of living that solo life. And that, my friends, will never happen.
If you came here for advice, I currently have none. Maybe years from now I will look back and be able to give you some form of hope or guidance. For now, all that I can offer to both myself and to you is to keep moving forward. I can't say if I will be happy where I end up. Truthfully I have no solid idea where I will end up. But I pray that wherever it is I can make new friends, new memories and that both Maddie and I are happy. Then maybe one day, something in my heart will open up to take that next step and it will be more than I could have hoped for. Only God knows what is in store and I have to trust that whatever it is, it is for His purpose and you can't ask for more than that!